A String of Lies
It wasn’t me.I fell asleep.I was on the other line.My car wouldn’t start.I told a group of girls in college that I did a shot of booze with River Phoenix.Mom, I’m gonna sleep over with Kim tonight.Oh, I fell asleep.I weigh 120 pounds.I tell people at Starbucks my name is Bob when I order my coffee.I am sick today.I don’t care about him anymore. I didn’t use my credit card, I saved for it.I would never get married in Vegas. I used to pencil in my eyebrows.I often ask people for directions and as they are telling me I don’t listen and then when they finish speaking I say, “I got it.” I’ve been telling people for over a decade that I’m Jewish.I prank called an old woman and pretended to be her grandson.Every time I call in sick for work, it’s because I have a hangover.After 14 years, my mom still doesn’t know I smoke.I once skipped school to buy pot.I used to tell people I hated Nirvana.My best friend wanted us to dress up as Milli Vanilli for Halloween and I was too embarrassed so I told her I lost my wig.I used to go around parties telling people Ronald Reagan had just died.I peed my pants and told everyone I had spilled lemonade on myself.I used to pencil in my eyebrows.I lied about my weight on my driver’s license.